Detour Through Hell: a Lifestyle of Glamour and Excess Led to Heroin Addiction and Homelessness by Danny Velasco

Author:Danny Velasco
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-615-96910-7
Publisher: BookBaby
Published: 2014-04-10T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 9

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Life on the Streets

Then I realized that God allows people to continue in their sinful ways so he can test them. That way, they can see for themselves that they are no better than animals.

Ecclesiastes 3:18

I spent most of my first night on the street just walking around the Lower East Side. All the days of my life seemed to be running through my head.

I remembered my childhood.

I remembered my friends from school.

I remembered coming to New York.

I thought about my ex-wife and wondered where she was.

I remembered my days of shopping in Paris and of cruising the beaches of Saint-Tropez.

I wondered what would happen with my family. Would they look for me? When would they give up looking for me? Would they wonder if I was dead?

I thought about how my nieces would grow up. Who would they marry?

I remembered Toni and wondered if she was better off now.

I remembered everything, but felt nothing.

I thought about all the things I should have done differently when I had the chance. All those rehabs I had checked into and how I had gotten high within an hour of leaving them.

I once had it all, but what did it matter now? The empty hole in the center of my soul was never satisfied. It was even deeper and emptier now.

What would I do? Where would I go? Who would ever help me?

My loneliness was so deep that I couldn’t let my mind explore it. If I looked at it, it threatened to consume me. I needed desperately to buy some drugs, but how would I get the money? What would I have to do in the streets for the money?

I know that it will seem strange to hear this, but even though this was the most devastating experience that had ever happened to me, at the same time, it was as if a big burden had been lifted off me.

I didn’t have to pretend any more.

I didn’t have to pretend that I was someone that I wasn’t.

I didn’t have to pretend that I had it all together anymore.

Most of my life, I had felt that I was bluffing. I felt that everyone else knew what life was all about, but I didn’t. I felt that everyone else had the answer to the mystery of life, but I was out in the dark somehow. I felt that everyone knew how to be happy, except me. I had all the things that I thought should have made me happy, and I still was miserable.

I had been in the inner circle of things that I thought would make my life full and satisfying, and I still was lonely. I felt that I had no one to talk to, and whenever I did try to talk to someone, I felt that I was not understood.

Why were other people so happy? What did it take? I just couldn’t understand it.

Finally giving up on life was somehow satisfying, in a strange and twisted way.

Now, I

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